I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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