Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
