I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
