So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
