I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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