i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize