I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
