I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize