My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
