Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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