I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
