His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
