I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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