I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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