Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
