You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
