Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
