Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
