i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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