Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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