I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he was CRYING into my vagina
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
