careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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