He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
