my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
