Your dad touched me again.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
