Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
