Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
