I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
