There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
