so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
