All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
