Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
