it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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