Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
