So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
