Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I could fuck to npr.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
