awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
did i just pee glitter
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
