By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
