I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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