Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
