Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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