My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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