I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
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