i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I wear drunk well.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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