like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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