just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
false alarm, still single
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
