Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
