D3 body, D1 cock
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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