My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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