Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
bring money and cleavage
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
