please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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