The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
