And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
