Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
