Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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