Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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