shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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