I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
