he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
