i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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