Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
